“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
― Rumi

I have just return after a month of solo traveling. Taking the time to heal the parts of me that were neglected for so long. Soul search for answers, receive clarity to the unknown & understand what is unclear. Being stuck in a never-ending cycle of playing catch up, I was beyond exhausted. Being an overachiever & little bit of perfectionist, I kept putting too much on my plate. Though no matter how much I tried to take off, things kept piling up. Most importantly, there was an elephant in the room that I never truly acknowledge... the passing of my brother. It's been 3 years since his passing and when I thought I have come to accept his departure in reality there is a part of me that hasn't. Anytime a part of me wanted to cry, I held back. There was never a "good time" to let out my emotions. I couldn't hold space for myself because there was always something else that needed to be done or I need to hold space for someone else. Finally, enough was enough. I knew I couldn't keep suppressing my emotions any longer.

So, I booked my tickets & made sure my clients would be taken care of while I'm gone, off I went. Having no set plan other than knowing where I was going to stay, I took off to the adventure of the unknown. Nothing was plan & took every day one step at a time, which turned out to be the best thing for me. Spoiling myself with lots of bodywork & treatments, truly holding space for myself to feel. There was nowhere I needed to be or do but just to be present. I never expected to shed so many tears & feel so much different emotions. As I slowly let my guard down, multiple waves of emotions constantly came through. The more I opened & challenged myself the bigger the waves got. Had I known what was going to happen, hesitation would have taken over & I might have not gone on the trip.

Thats the beauty of the unknown, as much as many wants to know what is going to happen, how & why it's going to happen, it's best if we don't know for our own good. Whether we agree with it or not. Let me tell you the waves hit me so hard that there was a part of me that wanted to go into defense as a way to protect, but as much as I wanted to close myself, I remained open. Over time, the waves began to slow down & the water within started to flow smoother with ease. The feeling of grounding started to consume me until I became as stable as the earth. This reminded me of a previous lesson, emotions are temporary. They will come & go like wave, it's our job to be aware and feel them as they are. Really surrendering to the feelings that are grounding you. Be open to receive to get to the next stage of your transformation. Exploring the countries & emerging myself in the different cultures gave me the recharge I needed in my journey.

Thinking I have gone through the worst of it, the biggest challenge was yet to come. I thought I was going to be an emotional mess on the day of my brother's accident, it turns out that was saved for another day. Memories of my brother ran through my mind the day he passed but no tears or sadness. Instead that emotional day came when I first when to the scene of the accident.

With my family, they took me to the place where my brother passed away. Grounded into the earth was a cross with his name engraved across the center. Thats where I began to feel myself falling apart inside, though I didn't show any emotion on the outside. Though my family was there to hold space for me, I held back the tears. Seeing my mom falling apart I couldn't let myself do the same. I've always been the one to hold it together, not everyone can fall apart so I always took on that role of keeping my shit together even if deep inside I'm a mess.

When my mom asked me to sit next to the cross for a picture, I wrap my arms around the cross as if I was giving my brother a hug and I lost it. Even after my mom already took the picture, I kept holding on tight. Thinking if I let go then I would be letting go of my brother. I kept quietly asking him why did you have to go? Why couldn't it be me? After repeating so many times, I paused for a moment then felt this warm presents holding me tight. This familiar voice began to speak into my ear. I never left just became a different form of me. It was my time; it is not yours. Your life has so much significance than you will ever know. Continue to live every day to the fullest as I did, and I will be there with every step as I was before. As that presents left, I opened my eyes & looked up to see a bright light beaming down. Not only felt & heard his presence but I saw him too. Looking down on us to provide comfort & smiles as he always did when he was alive. One of my aunts came to give me a hug. Whispered into my ear of a personal moment she had with my brother on my wedding day. I lost it again and she held me closer. I thanked her for sharing that memory & holding space with me. As I got in the car, this huge weigh I've held on for so long finally fell. Though I still crazy every once in a while, this heavy pain of sorrow has left my body. Feeling my heart becoming restored again.

As I relearned during my solo trip abroad, I encourage everyone to really set time aside no matter how little even taking a local weekend getaway for yourself to explore, evolve, heal & manifest. Hold space to feel your emotion with no distractions, interruptions, or duties. Surrender to the emotions that ground you and watch you become the best version of yourself.

Always remember to be free be yourself because it's the best person to be!

Love,

Cristina